South African Skeptics

Puns

Hermes · 172 · 41731

Offline BoogieMonster

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I slept with a species from another Genus... No Homo.
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline brianvds

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    • Brian van der Spuy
What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.141592 meters long?

- A πthon.


Offline BoogieMonster

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Well, I got mixed reviews last time so... proceed with caution.

[spoiler]
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.
[/spoiler]
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline BoogieMonster

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"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline Rigil Kent

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  • Three men make a tiger.
Mr Bear applies for a job as a cleaner at a pub, and is interviewed inside the establishment.

Publican: What's you name, son?

Mr Bear: I am Mr Bear. Grrrrrrr!

With that, Mr Bear bends down, takes a huge bite out of the counter, chews it up and swallows loudly.

Publican: And where do you stay?

Mr Bear: I live in the woods. Grrrr!

Publican: Do you have any cleaning experience?

Mr Bear: Yes, certainly. I worked at the carwash.

Publican: Do you have a criminal record?

Mr Bear: Of course not! Grrrr!

Publican: And do you abuse drugs, Mr Bear?

Mr Bear: Never have, never will.

Publican: Then ... what about the barbiturate?
You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.


Offline BoogieMonster

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A man is sitting in an interrogation room and says:
"I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present!"
Cop: "You are a lawyer"
Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline Rigil Kent

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Master of the paraprosdokian.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Knw1xPM1CS0
You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.


Offline BoogieMonster

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Steven Wright is likewise.
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline BoogieMonster

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I used to be into BDSM, bestiality and Necrophilia, but then I noticed I'm beating a dead horse.

Edit (bonus): You can't run through a campsite. You can only "ran" because it's past tents.
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline Rigil Kent

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Not really a pun, but since we're talking about that sort of thing, here is a quote that I enjoyed some years ago.

I prefer my lovers to be female, human and alive. But in a pinch any two out of three will do.
You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.


Offline BoogieMonster

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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline BoogieMonster

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"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline BoogieMonster

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Two old ladies are sitting in a park when a man in a trench coat suddenly runs up and flashes them.
One had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline BoogieMonster

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A lesbian couple gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I said I wanna watch.
"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool


Offline BoogieMonster

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"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground, Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive, so misguided, is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here" - Tool